Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
