planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
