We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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