My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
