oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
