Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
