Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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