"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
