in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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