Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
