my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
