At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize