Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
