when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
