There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
