we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
they need to just BURY HIM!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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