I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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