Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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