Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize