the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
