32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
