I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
there is glitter all over my balls
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