you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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