bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
