I can text with my tongue
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
