NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
