i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
