so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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