sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
