Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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