i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
