spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Pants are for mortals
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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