You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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