I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
