Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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