he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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