When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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