you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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