what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
