i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I FOUND THE LEGS
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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