new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
