I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
cat food counts as protein by the way
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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