Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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