"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
