Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
