Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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