When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
