When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
