you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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