I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
