I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize