her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
