you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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