the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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