I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
