I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
