I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
