Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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