Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
