I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
