So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
