Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
