We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
